Weight Loss Tips from a Skinny Bitch…

This week I’m totally bailing on Weight. What?! Wednesday again. Not just because my life is super crazy busy between my demanding VIP job & my demanding VIP family…but mostly because I can’t get my shit together and don’t want to keep posting that the scale is up & not down. Let’s just say my New Year’s Resolution isn’t really going as planned….

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Dontcha just hate skinny bitches?

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Skinny Bitches can’t be real life right?

I mean c’mon….trying not to be fat is HARD & they act like it’s nothing.

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BUT…since I’ve joined the blogging world…I’m learning that even the skinny bitche’s struggle is real.

Since I can’t seem to get my blog butt in gear…

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…I’ve got an equally as awesome guest blogger for you today.

Queen Skinny Bitch herself, Rikki.

If you’ve never been to Rikki’s blog…you are missing some serious shit. I for real get giddy every time I see a new post from Momma’s Got a Dude’s Name in my Bloglovin feed.  She’s hilarious & her humor is just me.

Check. Her. Out. Stat.

And with that I  present to you:

Weight Loss Tips

Don’t tune out just yet. 

I may have a point. 

(but you are skinny and I hate you)

That’s okay. But honestly, do you want legal advice from a convict? 

Do you want math tutoring from a flunk out? 

Do you want financial advice from a poor person swimming in debt? 

I hope the answer is a resounding NO because anything else would be dumb. 

So here is my story: 

The most I have ever weighed is 150 lbs. That’s about 20lbs higher than I ever should have weighed but I didn’t feel bad about myself at 145. I just had a little extra cushion and a bigger trunk for my junk. 

I honestly did not think I really needed to lose any weight. I looked healthy. 

Then I went to the doctor for one of my check ups and he informed me I had high cholesterol. 

Say WHUCK?!

I have a normal BMI. 

I was 28 years old. 

What the hell? 

Immediately, I told the doc, “But I love eggs!” 

 

And I do  ya’ll. I could live on eggs and bacon. 

You know what he said, “Good. Keep eating them.” 

Say WHUCK?!

Yeah. He said the new research coming out is that processed foods are what is causing A LOT of our medical problems INCLUDING high cholesterol. Also, our body removes cholesterol that is ingested almost entirely. High cholesterol tends to be the body making too much, not ingesting too much.

So he recommended to me what I have now termed the reverse racism diet: 

No whites. 

No white flour. 
No white sugar. 
No white rice. 
No white potatoes. 

That’s right. 

I looked at him with big puppy dog eyes and said, “But the carbs! I loves the carbs!” 

He said, “How does Lipitor sound?” 

Dammit if he doesn’t know me. I don’t like taking medicine. Nevermind that I take what seems like a million pills a day, but I wasn’t adding another one! 

So I took his challenge. I had six weeks to re-test my cholesterol and see if I did a good job. 

Six weeks later: 

I had lost 15 lbs and my cholesterol was down 50 pts

I feel so much better. 

I look so much better. 

Would exercise help?

Sure. But I don’t want to. It gets in the way of my lying around time. 

Now, for a guilty snack I have some dark chocolate dipped in peanut butter. 

I’ll eat a hamburger plain or wrapped in lettuce instead of bread. 

I pass on cookies, cakes, etc. If I do indulge, I have very little or I have whole wheat (not pretend whole wheat. I’m talking Ezekiel bread). 

And to be honest I’ve never felt better about myself. 

And my body revolts if I eat the stuff now. Stomach cramps, feel nauseous… the whole nine yards. And I’m okay with that because it just proved to me how much it did to me before, I was just used to it.  

I am now down 20ish lbs and sitting at a lovely 125lbs. I have fun shopping now. I feel great. I have way more self confidence. 

Take it from a skinny bitch, this works.  

Ignore the mess. I’m skinny, not clean.

 

 

 

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