And there it is…

This weekend I was at an old friend I don’t see very often’s little birthday get together. We had just gotten done eating and she looked at my mess of a plate of picked apart food and looked at me and said….I think I figured out something..remind me to ask you something later. I was like..umm okay. It seemed a little odd but I wasn’t expecting the question that was to come.

So the next day…I was at church with her & a group of her friends and she saw this guy and said something about how much weight he has lost…then it was like she was suddenly reminded of something and turned to me and said…so how have you lost all that weight? what are you doing? Did you have surgery? (all in one super fast run on sentence). She looked so sure of herself like she just knew and stared at me obviously looking for me to answer only the last question.

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I just kinda looked at her like HUH??? I was kind of taken off guard b/c it’s something I never even thought about getting asked. Plus I was a little mortified that she asked me in front of other people.

I said to her…well I looked into it but insurance won’t pay for it.

Side note: I’ve actually looked into it several times over the last ten years. I don’t knock surgery at all. I believe people should do whatever they can to lose the weight and be healthy. We work for a very very small company with small group insurance. Our rates are sky high. And b/c it’s a small group plan..they don’t cover that kind of stuff. And if they did…we still have a $5000 deductible. No..that’s not a typo. Our deductible is $5K. I’ll just let that sink in a minute.

So then she looks at me and says…. but you’ve lost so much, how much have you lost?

I said…50 lbs? (in the form of a question bc to me 50 lbs isn’t much)

She said…that’s a lot!

Then she said…but you lost it so fast!

I was like…I haven’t lost anything in months!

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At this point her friend said….but it really has been quite a while she’s been trying to lose, I read her blog.

And I said…yeah I’ve been trying since like last August.

Then my friend said…well I guess it just seems like that because I don’t see you much. (which is very true…I see her about every 3-4 months and sometimes can go 6 months to a year. And when we get together it feels like no time has passed. We pick up right where we left off…yes one of those good friends like that. So I can see why it seems like I lost a lot of weight in a short period of time to her)

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So let’s review how “fast” I’ve lost all this weight.

Now..50 lbs IS a lot. But when I started off needing to lose 140 lbs and I have 90 MORE to go..it doesn’t seem like much.

And 50 lbs in the amount of time I’ve been dieting? Seems like very little. I know I said August (b/c I was trying to guess on the spot based on when I started documenting on my blog) but let’s be real…I’ve been on a diet & losing and gaining and losing MY WHOLE LIFE. But for blog purposes…I started documenting it September 1 of last year. That started a string of yo yo’s where I lost & gained & started over a bunch. Then right before my 30th birthday I had a minor freak out and got serious about losing. That was mid-October. I started doing the Visalus shakes and stayed on them for a long time. IT WAS HARD.

So let’s just say the real “losing” started mid-October.

October to June is 9 months.

50 lbs in 9 months.

That is 5 1/2 pounds a month.

I wouldn’t call that fast.

BUT I haven’t actually lost anything since APRIL.

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So October to April is 7 months.

That is still only about 7 lbs a month.

A few years ago before my wedding I lost over 40 lbs in about 2 1/2 months. Now THAT’S fast!

Also..bigger people can lose a lot of weight more quickly than smaller people. But the smaller they get…it starts taking longer to lose and the harder it is for the weight to come off.

 

So at the time..I was very taken off guard by the question and very embarrassed that it was asked in front of other people.

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Here’s the thing. I HATE attention brought to my weight. EVER.

It’s actually a very sensitive subject.

It’s hard for people to understand that because I am so open about it on my blog.

It’s one thing for me to talk about it on my blog. That’s kind of why I blog. I blog about my weight loss mostly for ME. Like a diary. It’s an outlet for me to share..or even just get my thoughts out…and document my struggle. My blog is very one-sided for the most part. I feel free to express myself and talk about anything…without the feeling of embarrassment or awkwardness and even shame that come from real life convos.

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But in real life? Let’s just pretend like there is no elephant in the room please.

Even when a person is like…ohhhh you look so good. I’m ALWAYS embarrassed. Even though for a tiny fraction of a second I feel good…I am then immediately embarrassed and ashamed that I ever “didn’t look good.” Although it’s a genuine compliment…I feel like it’s a loud megaphone saying…look at her she used to be really fat and now she’s less fat!!! And then I imagine everyone around that heard the comment that doesn’t know me thinking…I wonder just how fat she was? And then I feel like when I see that person or anyone the next time and I haven’t lost anymore or if I gained some back that they are thinking about that.

I also don’t want to be known as…the girl that used to be fat. Sometimes I dream about moving far away to a town where no one knows me after I lose all the weight just so I can be known as ME.

I know that sounds crazy to some people…but that is just how my mind works. My weight is a burden that is always on my mind and makes me crazy and paranoid.

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I would rather my weight loss, or lack thereof, or how I’m losing it or anything pertaining to my weight never be brought up in real life. You want to compliment me? Leave a comment on my blog. Want to know how I lost it? Ask me on my blog. OR in private.

But don’t ever guess at how.

Especially the way my friend did.

Now I know her heart…and she by no means meant anything by it other than being curious.

Like I said at first I was just like…huh? Then moved to a bit embarrassed. But on the way home I really got upset about it. Not mad at her. Just embarrassed by the whole situation and really irritated.

Because #1 it really really bothered me that it was said in public. Not because I think anything is wrong with getting surgery…but because I’m ALWAYS embarrassed when my weight is being discussed. Also..everyone knows that you have to be a certain amount overweight to get surgery…so just to refer to it is like saying THAT’S how overweight I was. And to be fair…THAT IS how overweight I was I’m sure. But the point is…it’s just embarrassing and hurtful for people to say it. Or in this case…refer to it.

#2..Why go to the extreme? Whenever anyone loses a huge amount of weight…people always immediately think they had surgery. So…what if a 175 lb person loses 40 lbs quickly? Why are people not all….OMG how’d you lose that? Are you throwing up? Because obviously no one loses weight the normal diet & exercise way anymore…it always has to be some extreme measure. Except no one asks people that don’t have as much to lose what extreme measure they went to to lose it..they just assume it’s some diet. Plus I think automatically assuming that a person who lost a large amount of weight had surgery can sometimes be a slap in the face to them if they lost it the old fashioned way of diet & exercise!

I get it…people are curious. I’m one of the first ones that wants to know how someone lost weight so maybe I can try it. But I think it’s rather rude to jump to conclusions about how they lost it.

Which brings me to #3: If someone were to do something like have surgery and not make it known to everyone…then they obviously have a good reason to keep it private and that should be respected. Unless someone willingly shares something like that…I think it’s out of line to ask. Especially in front of others. But there are also other reasons to be careful of how you ask….people need to be sensitive in case it’s something else like a medical reason or say they had a miscarriage they are keeping private and the emotional toll has caused them to lose a lot of weight from loss of appetite. It would be very hard for them to answer you honestly and still keep that private. It would also prob be very painful to be reminded that’s how they lost the weight.

Let me be clear…my friend meant nothing by asking me that. She is very kind hearted and had no clue about my deep deep issues with my weight being discussed in public. I have only ever shared that part of me in depth on my blog. And since she never reads my blog…ahem….she wouldn’t really know that. And I’m sure she felt she could ask me anything and it not be a problem. And for the most part she can. Just not in front of others.

This is MY problem. Most normal people like her don’t know what all goes through an overweight person like me’s head. How I obsess. How things that don’t bother normal people CONSUME me.

I know she saw that half eaten plate and was just curious. But what she doesn’t know is that I had just stuffed my fat food addicted face with McDonald’s before I got to her party. She didn’t know that I had been dieting all week on a low calorie, high protein diet that makes me eat less anyway. That the McDonald’s and the food I had in front of her were the first real “bad” foods I’d had in a week and I didn’t want to overdue it bc I know when I eat good for awhile and then bad I get BAD stomach cramps. And diarrhea. And I wanted to still enjoy the evening with her.

What she didn’t know is that the food I left on the plate was taunting me. It was sooo good and I wanted more. I wanted to eat it all. I was trying to have self control. But my mind was saying…just eat the rest…you’ve already blown your diet. Enjoy it. Start over Monday. Don’t do it Nina…just leave the rest. Don’t make yourself sick. You aren’t hungry. You don’t need it. Look at how many calories are on that plate. But it’s sooo good. Just one more bite. Eat me. Eat me. Eat me!

That’s pretty much what goes through my head EVERY. SINGLE. MEAL.

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Also…as I eat I worry about looking like a pig in front of others by eating too much. Or eating too little because people think something’s wrong or get offended that I don’t like their food. And I’m worried that if I leave too little food or too much food that I draw attention to myself and to my weight. It’s a double edged sword and a never ending battle.

And to be honest…there is no certain way I can say how I lost it. It’s a lot of ways. The thing is…I get so tired of things or my body gets used to something…so I have to change it up. I started off doing the shakes & one healthy meal…then shakes & soup…then eating very very little….then just counting calories using MFP…then back to the shakes…then atkins style meat & eggs only…then back to trying to eat just healthy foods & log the calories…then back to atkins. There is no certain thing that ‘just works’ for me. I just do something until I can’t stand it anymore OR my body get’s used to it and refuses to lose another pound. Then I switch to something else….usually after a few days/weeks of binging. That’s why I gain and have to lose 5 lbs back ALL.THE.TIME.

Last week…I was a good little dieter & calorie logger and lost 3.8 lbs.. then Sat & Sun I just ate kinda whatever. This morning I was at:

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So there ya go. I have to RE-lose 2.2 lbs.

I wanted to share this whole thing with you to give you another point of view. So that maybe you can be more sensitive to certain situations. I know that’s prob not the only time I will get asked something like that…especially if someone hasn’t seen me in a long time. I know that some people are just curious…but at the same time I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain anything unless I just want to. It’s my body and my business. I share what I want to on my blog because I want to. In real life…I just don’t want to talk about it.

And….Since the proof is in the pudding..here is my jiggly pudding belly in all it’s stretch mark glory. Sorry..no surgery scars. Just lots and lots of hideous stretch marks.

Another fat girl prob…sometimes my stretch marks itch like crazy. Sometimes they will bubble up in certain places and get infected. Sometimes they are all dark red. These are all from pregnancy by the way. I’ll try to find the pic of my belly with a baby in it when my stretch marks were crazy huge and dark across my whole belly and I looked fo reals like a tiger.

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Update 7/17/13- I found the pics of my pregnancy battle scars.

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